
Love Story
CHAPTER 13
Mr. And Mrs. Oliver Barrett III
request the pleasure of your company
at a dinner in celebration of
Mr. Barrett's sixtieth birthday
Saturday, the sixth of March
at seven o'clock
Dover House, Ipswich, Massachusetts
R. S. V. P.
"Well?" asked Jennifer.
"Do you even have to ask?" I replied. I was in the midst of abstracting The State v. Percival, a very important precedent in criminal law. Jenny was sort of waving the invitation to bug me.
"I think it's about time, Oliver," she said.
"For what?"
"For you know very well that," she answered. "Does he have to crawl here on his hands and knees?"
I kept working as she worked me over.
"Ollie -- he's reaching out to you!"
"Bullshit, Jenny. My mother addressed the envelope."
"I thought you said you didn't look at it!" she sort of yelled.
Okay, so I did glance at it earlier. Maybe it had slipped my mind. I was, after all, in the midst of abstracting The State v. Percival, and in the virtual shadow of exams. The point was she should have stopped haranguing me.
"Ollie, think," she said, her tone kind of pleading now. "Sixty goddamn years old. Nothing says he'll still be around when you're finally ready for the reconciliation."
I informed Jenny in the simplest possible terms that there would never be a reconciliation and would she please let me continue my studying. She sat down quietly, squeezing herself onto a corner of the sofa where I had my feet. Although she didn't make a sound, I quickly became aware that she was looking at me very hard. I glanced up.
"Someday," she said, "when you're being bugged by Oliver V --"
"He won't be called Oliver, be sure of that!" I snapped at her. She didn't raise her voice, though she usually did when I did.
"Listen, Ol, even if we name him Bozo the Clown that kid's still going to resent you because you were a big Harvard athlete. And by the time he's a freshman, you'll probably be in the Supreme Court!"
I told her that our son would definitely not resent me. She then inquired how I could be so certain of that. I couldn't produce evidence. I mean, I simply knew our son would not resent me, I couldn't say precisely why. Jenny then remarked:
"Your father loves you too, Oliver. Her loves you just the way you'll love Bozo. But you Barretts are so damn proud and competitive, you'll go through life thinking you hate each other."
"If it weren't for you," I said jokingly.
"Yes," she said.
"The case is closed," I said, being, after all, the husband and head of household. My eyes returned to The State v. Perival and Jenny got up. But then she remembered.
"There's still the matter of the RSVP."
I said that a Radcliffe music major could probably compose a nice little negative RSVP without professional guidance.
"Listen, Oliver," she said, "I've probably lied or cheated in my life. But I've never deliberately hurt anyone. I don't think I could."
Really, at that moment she was only hurting me, so I asked her politely to handle the RSVP in whatever manner she wished, as long as the essence of the message was that we wouldn't show unless hell froze over. I returned once again to The State v. Percival.
"What's the number?" I heard her say very softly. She was at the telephone.
"Can't you just write a note?"
"In a minute I'll lose my nerve. What's the number?"
I told her and was instantly immersed in Percival's appeal to the Supreme Court. I was not listening to Jenny. That is, I tried not to. She was in the same room, after all.
"Oh -- good evening, sir," I heard her say.
She had her hand over the mouthpiece.
"Ollie, does it have to be negative?"
The nod of my head indicated that it had to be, the wave of my hand indicated that she should hurry up.
"I'm terribly sorry," she said into the phone. "I mean, we're terribly sorry, sir…"
We're! Did she have to involve me in this? And why can't she get to the point and hang up?
"Oliver!"
She had her hand on the mouthpiece again and was talking very loud.
"He's wounded, Oliver! Can you just sit there and let you father bleed?"
Had she not been in such an emotional state, I could have explained once again that stones do not bleed. But she was very upset. And it was upsetting me too.
"Oliver," she pleaded, "could you just say a word?"
To him? She must be going out of her mind!
"I mean, like just maybe 'hello'?"
She was offering the phone to me. And trying not to cry.
"I will never talk to him. Ever," I said with perfect calm.
And now she was crying. Nothing audible, but tears pouring down her face. And then she -- she begged.
"For me, Oliver. I've never asked you for anything. Please."
Three of us. There of us just standing (I somehow imagined my father being there as well) waiting for something. What? For me?
I couldn't do it.
Didn't Jenny understand she was asking the impossible? That I would have done absolutely anything else? As I looked at the floor, shaking my head in adamant refusal and extreme discomfort, Jenny addressed me with a kind of whispered fury I had never heard from her:
"You are a heartless bastard,' she said. And then she ended the telephone conversation with my father saying:
"Mr. Barrett, Oliver does want you to know that in his own special way…"
She paused for breath. She had been sobbing, so it wasn't easy. I was much too astonished to do anything but await the end of my alleged "message."
"Oliver loves you very much," she said, and hung up very quickly.
There is no rational explanation for my actions in the next split second. I must never be forgiven for what I did.
I ripped the phone from her hand, then from the socket -- and hurled it across the room.
"God damn you, Jenny! Why don't you get the hell out of my life!"
I stood still, panting like the animal I had suddenly become. Jesus Christ! What the hell had happened to me? I turned to look at Jen.
But she was gone.
I mean absolutely gone, because I didn't even hear footsteps on the stairs. Christ, she must have dashed out the instant I grabbed the phone. Even her coat and scarf were still there. The pain of not knowing what to do was exceeded only by that of knowing what I had done.
I searched everywhere.
In the Law School library, I prowled the rows of grinding students, looking and looking. Up and back, at least half a dozen times. Though I didn't utter a sound, I knew my glance was so intense, my face so fierce, I was disturbing the whole place. Who cares?
But Jenny wasn't there.
Then all through Harkness Commons, the lounge, the cafeteria. Then a wild sprint to look around Agassiz Hall at Radcliffe. Not there, either. I was running everywhere now, my legs trying to catch up with the pace of my heart.
Paine Hall? (Ironic goddamn name!) Downstairs are piano practice rooms. I know Jenny. When she's angry, she pounds the keyboard. Right? But how about when she's scared to death?
It's crazy walling down the corridor, practice rooms on either side. The sounds of Mozart and Bartok, Bach and Brahms filter out from the doors and blend into this weird infernal sound.
Jenny's got to be here!
Instinct made me stop at a door where I heard the pounding (angry?) sound of a Chopin prelude. I paused for a second. The playing was lousy -- stops and starts and many mistakes. At one pause I heard a girl's voice mutter, "Shit!" It had to be Jenny. I flung open the door.
A Radcliffe girl was at the piano. She looked up. Au ugly, big-shouldered hippie Radcliffe girl, annoyed at my invasion.
"What's the matter, man?" she asked.
"Sorry," I replied, and closed the door again.
Then I tried Harvard Square. Nothing.
Where would Jenny have gone?
I just stood there, lost in the darkness of Harvard Square, not knowing where to go or what to do next. A colored guy approached me and inquired if I was in need of a fix. I kind of absently replied, "No, thank you sir."
I wasn't running now. I mean, what was the rush to return to the empty house? It was very late -- almost 1 A. M. -- and I was numb -- more with fright than with the cold (although it wasn't warm, believe me). From several yards off, I thought I saw someone sitting on the top of the steps. This had to be my eyes playing tricks, because the figure was motionless.
But it was Jenny.
She was sitting on the top step.
I was too tired to panic, too relieved to speak. Inwardly I hoped she had some blunt instrument with which to hit me.
"Jen?"
"Ollie?"
We both spoke so quietly, it was impossible to take an emotional reading.
"I forgot my key," Jenny said.
I stood there at the bottom of the steps, afraid to ask how long she had been sitting, knowing only that I had wronged her terribly.
"Jenny, I'm sorry --"
"Stop!" she cut off my apology, then said very quietly, "Love means not ever having to say you're sorry."
I climbed up the stairs to where she was sitting.
"I'd like to go to sleep. Okay?" she said.
"Okay."
We walked up to our apartment. As we undressed, she looked at me reassuringly.
"I meant what I said, Oliver."
And that was all.
爱情故事
第十三章
奥利佛·巴雷特第三夫妇谨启盼予赐复
谨订于三月六日星期六下午七时在马萨诸塞州易普威治多佛府举行家宴为巴雷特先生庆祝六十寿辰。
R.S.V.P
“这个?”詹妮弗问道。
“这还用问吗?”我答道。我正在摘录珀西瓦尔公诉案,一个刑法里非常重要的判例。詹妮稍稍晃动请柬来烦我。
“我想差不多该是时候了,奥利佛,”她说。
“该干什么的时候了?”
“你知道得很清楚要干什么事,”她答道。
“一定得要他跪着爬到这里不可吗?”
任她责备我什么,我照干我的事。
“奥利——他在向你伸手联系呢!”
“瞎说,詹妮。我母亲写的信封。”
“我记得你说过你不看来着!”她叫起来,声音有点大。行啦,就算早些时候我扫过一眼,或许我已经忘掉了。毕竟我正在摘录珀西瓦尔公诉案,而且实际上考试已临近。关键是她该停止对我抱怨了。
“奥利,想想看,”她现在用有点恳求的口气说着。
“整六十岁的人了。当你最后愿意与他和解时,谁也没法说得准他是否仍活在这个世界上。”
我用最直截了当的话告诉詹妮,将不存在和解。并请她让我继续学习下去。她在我放脚的沙发一角紧缩着身体坐了下来,不再出声。尽管她没说话,很快我便意识到她正紧盯着我。我抬头看着她。
“有那么一天,”她说,“当奥利佛第五烦你时……”
“他决不会叫奥利佛这个名字,这是肯定的!”我对她恶狠狠地说。她没有抬高嗓门。尽管通常我大声时,她的声音就更大。
“听着,奥利。即使我们把儿子叫成小丑‘博佐’,他仍因你曾是哈佛的体育明星而恨你。而且,当他读大学一年级时,你将可能是高等的法官了。”
我告诉她,我们的儿子肯定不会恨我。而她问我为什么那么肯定。我却拿不出证据来。我的意思是,我凭
“你的父亲也爱你,奥利佛。他爱你的方式就象你将来爱‘博佐’那样。但是你们巴雷特家族的人极其自大,喜欢竞争。你们一生中总以为你们相互恨着。”
“要不是你的话,还真要那样呢!”我以开玩笑的口气说道。
“是的”。她说。
“到此为止。”我以毕竟是丈夫兼一家之主的口气说道。我的眼睛又回到珀西瓦尔公诉案上而詹妮站了起来。但她却仍记得:“还有‘盼予赐复’这事呢。”我说,一个莱德克利夫音乐专业的学生不要专业指导大概也可以写出恰当的婉拒短信的。
“听着,奥利佛,”她说道,“我一生中大概撒过谎,骗过人。但我决不会有意去伤害别人。我想我不会那样。”
实际上,此时她却正在伤害我。于是我客气地要她以她想要的任何方式去处理“盼予赐复”这件事,只要信的本意是我们不出席宴会,除非地狱冰冻起来。我便再次回到帕西瓦尔公诉案上。
“电话号码是多少?”我听到她轻声地说。她已在电话机旁。
“你就不能只写封短信吗?”“我马上就会失去勇气的。号码是多少?”
我告诉了她号码就立刻沉浸于帕西瓦尔呈交高等的上诉书。我不去听詹妮打电话,也就是说,我尽可能不去听。但毕竟我们在同一间房里。
“啊!晚上好,先生。”我听她说。
她用一只手捂住话筒。
“奥利佛,一定要拒绝吗?”
我点头表示一定要那样做,并摆摆手示意她必须快一点。
“我非常抱歉,”她对着话筒说。“我的意思是,我们非常抱歉,先生……”
我们!她干嘛一定要牵涉到我?她为啥不直说了就把电话挂断呢?
“奥利佛!”
她又用一只手捂住话筒并大声同我说话。“他是伤心的,奥利佛!让你父亲心中流血而你能坐得住吗?”
假如她不是处于这样的感情状态,我会再次解释:石头是不流血的。但她的心绪非常烦乱,这使我的心绪也烦乱起来。
“奥利佛,”她恳求道,“你就说一句话吧?”
跟他说?她一定是疯了!
“我的意思是就说象‘哈罗’之类的?”
她要把电话递给我,并尽量不哭出来。
“我决不与他说什么,不说。”我非常平静地说。
此时,她无声地哭起来了。泪流满面。然后——她乞求着。
“为了我,奥利佛。我从不求你做什么事。就求你这回了。”我们三个。(我莫明其妙地想象我父亲也在场。)我们三个就站着等待什么似的。什么呢?等我吗?
我不会干的。
詹妮真不明白她在要求不可能的事吗?除了此事外我绝对会做任何其他事的。当我看着地板,极不自在但又毫不动摇地晃着头表示拒绝时,詹妮满腔怒火,以我从来没有听她说过的话低声责骂我:
“你是个无情的杂种,”她说。接着她以下面的话来结束与我父亲的电话交谈:
“巴雷特先生,奥利佛确实想要你知道,用自己特别的方式……”
她顿了一下,吸了一口气。她一直在抽泣,所以说得很费力。我惊讶得不知所措,只好等她结束好象我要她说的“口信”。
“奥利佛非常爱你,”她说完就很快挂断了电话。在紧接着一刹那,我无法对自己的行为作出合情合理的解释。我所做的事使我决不会得到宽恕。
我从她手里抢过电话,拔出插头,把电话机猛地扔到屋子的另一边。
“该死的,詹妮,滚你的吧!”
我站着不动,突然我变得象野兽那样直喘粗气。天啊!我到底怎么啦?我转过去看詹。但她已走了。我的意思是,她确实消失不见了,因为我甚至没有听到楼梯的脚步声,天啊!她一定在我抢电话的刹那间冲出去的。连她的外套和围巾都仍在那儿。这时,我为自己所做的事感到的痛苦超过了因不知所措而引起的痛苦。
我到处去找她。
我在法学院图书馆里徘徊于一排排埋头苦读的学生中,看了又看,走去走来,至少有五、六次之多。尽管我没有吭声,但我知道我的眼神慌里慌张、脸色可怕吓人。我扰乱了整个地方。谁在乎呢?
但詹不在那儿。
接着,我穿过哈克尼斯公共食堂、休息室和自助餐厅。然后发疯似地冲到莱德克利夫的阿加西斯楼去寻找。也不在那儿。此时我到处奔走,我的双脚努力去赶上我心跳的节拍。
佩因楼?(该死的名字,太挖苦人了!)楼下是钢琴练习室。我知道当詹妮发脾气时,她就猛击琴键。
对吗?但当她被吓得要死时又会如何呢?
走在两侧都是钢琴练习室的走廊里真让人疯狂。莫扎特、巴尔托克、及勃拉姆斯曲调的声音从这些练习室的门缝里钻出来,混合成一种离奇的、嘈杂可憎的声音。
詹妮一定到这里来了!
本能使我停在弹着肖邦序曲的练习室门口,听到有人(愤怒地)猛击琴键的声音。
我停了一会儿。弹得很糟——弹弹停停,夹着许多错误。在一次停顿中我听到一个女孩的声音喃喃自语,“去他的!”一定是詹妮。我猛地打开门。
一位莱德克利夫学院的女生在练习钢琴。她抬头看我。这个莱德克利夫女生是个难看宽肩的嬉皮士,对我的闯入很生气。
“什么事,伙计?”她问。
“对不起,”我答道,马上关上了门。
接着,我到哈佛广场找找看。也不在。
詹妮会去那儿呢?
我就在哈佛广场的黑暗中站着,不知所措。不知去哪儿,也不知下一步该干什么。一个黑人走近我,问我是否要毒品注射。我有点儿漫不经心地答道:“不要。谢了,老兄。”
此刻,我不再奔跑了。
我的意思是,急急忙忙跑回空空的家里干什么呢?很晚了——大概凌晨一点了——我麻木了——要说是因为天冷(不过,天的确不暖和,真的。)倒不如说是因为惊吓。在离家几码的地方,我想我看到有人坐在台阶的最高一级。因为那个人坐着不动,这必定是我的眼睛在开我的玩笑了。
人是詹妮。
她正坐在最高一级台阶上。
我累得没法表示恐慌;欣慰得没法表达言语。
我的内心倒希望她用什么钝器打我一下。
“詹?”
“奥利?”
我们都说得很平静,不可能听出话中的情感来。
“我忘了钥匙,”詹妮说。
我站在台阶的最低一级,怕问她坐在这里多久了。只知道我对她太不公平了。
“詹妮,很抱歉……”
“不要说了!”她打断了我的道歉,然后非常平静地说,“爱意味着永远不必说抱歉。”我登上她坐着的台阶。
“我要去睡觉了,行吗?”她说。
“行。”
我们走上去进了我们的公寓。当我们脱衣睡觉时,她以一种让人放心的神情看着我。
“我说的话是当真的,奥利佛。”
于是,此事就过去了。
